I went out for a walk today - my first time venturing any further than my parents' yard in six days. It was sunny and I grabbed my sunglasses as I headed for the road. It seemed like a nice day, so I didn't take a coat. By the time I was halfway done with my walk, it had started snowing big, wet, unexpected snowflakes. The sky was dark and I was cold and it was one of those bad surprises. That's pretty much how life has been the past month. Stormy weather. When I got back, my legs were itchy from the cold. And a few hours later, the sky is blue, and the snow didn't stick, and I'm cozy with a cup of coffee that undoubtedly will make me feel like a crazy person in an hour, but right now is hitting the spot.
Three or four weeks ago, I was on a conference call at work, and our receptionist brought me a post-it that said, "Your cousin R is here." I rushed to the lobby because my cousin had never stopped by before and I wasn't expecting any bad news and it seemed like something bad was happening. My cousin R told me my dad had taken a turn for the worse, and I should call home to get details. I was worried. On that call home, I learned that my dad's cancer had spread to his lungs, and there were more spots in other parts of his body that we didn't know about, and the doctor had given him a prognosis of six months.
At that point, I didn't think my Dad had tons of time left. There wasn't going to be any teaching my unborn kids how to fish in our pond. But I thought he had a lot more time than six months. And, things have changed a lot since three or four weeks ago.
Dad's cancer has progressed and now he's really sick. He's in bed and he's on Methadone and morphine and he isn't eating, pretty much isn't drinking, either. It has only been a little over a year since he was diagnosed with esophageal cancer caused by acid reflux.
Dad told me on the call that he wanted me to keep living my life. (Read: please don't quit your job and move hme and stare at me all day.) He said that he knew what he was faced with when he got the diagnosis, that the odds weren't good. Dad seemed like he had accepted where he was at. I hadn't at that point, and I stood on the front porch at my work with my cousin next to me and cried, well sobbed, really, as I heard the news. My Dad told me he knew what I was going through because he lost his dad, too. All the things he said made me feel better. He was so mature and fatherly and rational. Made me wish he'd be around to help me get through this.
I told my Dad I was sorry this was happening and I wish there was something I could do. I'm kind of a control person. I like being able to impact things, and knowing what to expect. Control people don't like cancer - not that anyone does - but uncertainty and inability to change things really don't work for me. Dad said I didn't need to be sorry, that there wasn't anything I needed to do other than what I'd already been doing. And when all you're able to do is send cards, watch bad TV without complaining, and do the occassional vacuuming, that is not very comforting.
So, that was the snow on my walk.
Now it has gotten even harder. My Dad's gone from being able to travel on a day trip a few weeks ago to what you can probably only classify as dying. He knows we're here and talks to us in little sentences or single words. He's on morphine all the time. People are stopping by to pay their final respects and we're calling relatives so they can say their goodbyes. I almost feel bad that people have to read this - even people that don't know my dad - but it's way worse with a front row seat.
I read in the hospice pamphlet my mom gave me that my dad has one foot in this world and one foot in the next world and that he's doing a lot of internal processing until he gets the spiritual energy needed to pass on. People have told me it is sacred to be here. That is all well and good and sort of comforting, but I'd much prefer a long walk on the beach with a Mai Thai than to be finding comfort in a hospice pamphlet or to be present for this, sacred or not. It's an understatement, but I really wish this wasn't happening.
My sister's friend K gave her a card that says something like: Sometimes life gives you lemons and you can make lemonade. And sometimes life pulls down your pants, runs a power sander across your naked hiney, then pours lemon juice on your raw, abraded butt. In that case, a cool citrus drink wouldn't really help, but you've got to hang in there anyway.
So, we're all hanging in there. My family is amazing. Our friends are amazing. This would all be kind of fun except that I don't like where we're all headed and I don't like seeing my Dad like this - in pain or knocked out by pain meds. But since I can't do much about it, I'll just go hang out some more with my dad and watch some old home videos of my sister catching frogs in the yard and my dad roasting a pig at a family reunion. 'Cause there's not much else I can do.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Valentine's Day shout out
It being so close to Valentine's Day and all I thought it time to put into writing some of the nice things I love about my extended family - since this could be super long I'll start with my aunts and uncles.
I feel like I come from this notably amazing and incredible (big) family. My dad has five siblings and my mom has eight. (No, we're not Catholic or Mormon.) Pretty much all of my aunts and uncles have kids, so I grew up being around cousins who were my parents' age and cousins who were in diapers. I always liked that. There was always someone around to play tetherball with in Grandma's front yard or play checkers with or paddle around in the row boat at the lake with. And, there were people to look up to.
As a kid, I knew my parents, aunts, and uncles thought the world of my grandparents. And, they were proud of each other and proud to be part of the family. That was so comforting.
I love how my parents raised me and my sister to value our extended family. Most of our family trips involved visiting family - we'd work in a trip to Disneyland with a trip to spend Christmas with Aunt. M. Or, a site seeing trip to the east coast blended with family reunions in Pennsylvania. I never heard either of my parents say anything negative about their siblings and I remember as a kid thinking it was weird when I heard about other families that had the uncle nobody liked or the estranged so-and-so who was a jerk. We never had that. And, a lot of the aunts or uncles who married in to the family have been my relatives since I was old enough to remember, and they're all amazing, too. Some of my aunts or uncles have gotten divorces, but not really as many since I was born.
I've been really impressed with both my Mom and Dad's sides of the family since my Dad got sick, but I was really impressed before that, too. I think I've gotten to know my Dad's side better in the past year since we've gotten the opportunity to spend more time together, and that has meant a lot to me.
My favorite things about my aunts and uncles:
1) They prioritize being in touch and spending time together.
2) The J side of the family: are matter of fact about lots of things especially things that involve the human body. (Think colonoscopy conversations at restaurants, that sort of thing.)
3) The J side of the family: have a hilarious, somewhat off center sense of humor. I love sarcasm and dry/quirky humor.
4) They're smart, honest, and hard working.
5) They're down home.
6) They're big hearted, generous, caring, and empathetic.
7) This could be said for both sides of the family, but for both the Js and Ts: They're kind of nerds. Yeah, as I go through the list, I think all of them are, though some of them might not present as such immediately. I love nerds. Both sets of my grandparents valued education and learning and they passed that on to their kids.
8) They're capable, handy, and creative. Build our own homes? Sure. Make a wedding dress? Already did. Host a dinner for 60? Done it.
9) They're interesting and remain engaged. I walked in to my uncle in his 80s listening to a Rosetta Stone Spanish CD - no big deal. Just learning a new language.
10) They're active. Uncle B is in his 70s and rides his motorcycles all around trails and wins competitions.
11) We've got a good number of green thumbs!
12) They take care of each other. I've seen this a lot since my dad got sick - cards, gifts, candy, pictures, visits, calls, emails. But it happened before that. Before email, the J family had a Round Robin letter where every family wrote a letter, then sent it to the next family on the list.
I'm glad that my sister and I have had a high bar set for us in how we are with each other, and I'm also glad I got so lucky with relatives!
I feel like I come from this notably amazing and incredible (big) family. My dad has five siblings and my mom has eight. (No, we're not Catholic or Mormon.) Pretty much all of my aunts and uncles have kids, so I grew up being around cousins who were my parents' age and cousins who were in diapers. I always liked that. There was always someone around to play tetherball with in Grandma's front yard or play checkers with or paddle around in the row boat at the lake with. And, there were people to look up to.
As a kid, I knew my parents, aunts, and uncles thought the world of my grandparents. And, they were proud of each other and proud to be part of the family. That was so comforting.
I love how my parents raised me and my sister to value our extended family. Most of our family trips involved visiting family - we'd work in a trip to Disneyland with a trip to spend Christmas with Aunt. M. Or, a site seeing trip to the east coast blended with family reunions in Pennsylvania. I never heard either of my parents say anything negative about their siblings and I remember as a kid thinking it was weird when I heard about other families that had the uncle nobody liked or the estranged so-and-so who was a jerk. We never had that. And, a lot of the aunts or uncles who married in to the family have been my relatives since I was old enough to remember, and they're all amazing, too. Some of my aunts or uncles have gotten divorces, but not really as many since I was born.
I've been really impressed with both my Mom and Dad's sides of the family since my Dad got sick, but I was really impressed before that, too. I think I've gotten to know my Dad's side better in the past year since we've gotten the opportunity to spend more time together, and that has meant a lot to me.
My favorite things about my aunts and uncles:
1) They prioritize being in touch and spending time together.
2) The J side of the family: are matter of fact about lots of things especially things that involve the human body. (Think colonoscopy conversations at restaurants, that sort of thing.)
3) The J side of the family: have a hilarious, somewhat off center sense of humor. I love sarcasm and dry/quirky humor.
4) They're smart, honest, and hard working.
5) They're down home.
6) They're big hearted, generous, caring, and empathetic.
7) This could be said for both sides of the family, but for both the Js and Ts: They're kind of nerds. Yeah, as I go through the list, I think all of them are, though some of them might not present as such immediately. I love nerds. Both sets of my grandparents valued education and learning and they passed that on to their kids.
8) They're capable, handy, and creative. Build our own homes? Sure. Make a wedding dress? Already did. Host a dinner for 60? Done it.
9) They're interesting and remain engaged. I walked in to my uncle in his 80s listening to a Rosetta Stone Spanish CD - no big deal. Just learning a new language.
10) They're active. Uncle B is in his 70s and rides his motorcycles all around trails and wins competitions.
11) We've got a good number of green thumbs!
12) They take care of each other. I've seen this a lot since my dad got sick - cards, gifts, candy, pictures, visits, calls, emails. But it happened before that. Before email, the J family had a Round Robin letter where every family wrote a letter, then sent it to the next family on the list.
I'm glad that my sister and I have had a high bar set for us in how we are with each other, and I'm also glad I got so lucky with relatives!
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Animals Part One
I've always been more than a little in to animals. When I was a kid, I got Ranger Rick magazine and National Geographic for Kids, and I loved them. I had horse and puppy calendars, and animal pictures practically wall papered my room.
I'm still really interested in animals and I can't stop thinking about some of the things I've learned about them recently - mostly communication.
My Dad watches 60 Minutes every week, and I've watched a few episodes lately. The show did a segment called The Secret Language of Elephants that really stood out for me. An American scientist has been studying a herd of wild elephants in Central Africa for about twenty years and she is slowly piecing together research about how they communicate, what their sounds mean. This herd had a new addition, a baby elephant, that wound up dying. The other elephants seemed very traumatized, and this is where it gets so amazing to me, they spent three to four days mourning the death of the baby. They would walk by the elephant, like a human funeral procession, and touch or smell the baby. Then, they would 'vocalize', as the researcher called it. The show actually had footage of this, and it was really touching.
Some scientists don't think animals have feelings, that what they do is solely instinctual. I think our family dog Maggie would have something to say about this. She feels that she should be in constant contact with a human and this causes her to almost have a nervous breakdown every day. Your hand can literally be touching her, and if it's not moving, she either whines or jockeys her head underneath your hand and forces you to remember that she's right there. I'll spread the word when The Secret Language of Maggie is featured on 60 Minutes.
I'm still really interested in animals and I can't stop thinking about some of the things I've learned about them recently - mostly communication.
My Dad watches 60 Minutes every week, and I've watched a few episodes lately. The show did a segment called The Secret Language of Elephants that really stood out for me. An American scientist has been studying a herd of wild elephants in Central Africa for about twenty years and she is slowly piecing together research about how they communicate, what their sounds mean. This herd had a new addition, a baby elephant, that wound up dying. The other elephants seemed very traumatized, and this is where it gets so amazing to me, they spent three to four days mourning the death of the baby. They would walk by the elephant, like a human funeral procession, and touch or smell the baby. Then, they would 'vocalize', as the researcher called it. The show actually had footage of this, and it was really touching.
Some scientists don't think animals have feelings, that what they do is solely instinctual. I think our family dog Maggie would have something to say about this. She feels that she should be in constant contact with a human and this causes her to almost have a nervous breakdown every day. Your hand can literally be touching her, and if it's not moving, she either whines or jockeys her head underneath your hand and forces you to remember that she's right there. I'll spread the word when The Secret Language of Maggie is featured on 60 Minutes.
Oxygen
I had that feeling I like to call, "I didn't even adequately dread this before it happened" when I got home the other day and my Mom met on the porch and said Dad had a rough day now is on oxygen (thank you new tumor). Since at that point we had only known about the tumor in his lung for about a week, I told her that I didn't even get time to imagine that he would ever even need to be on oxygen. My Mom said that she doesn't want to spend her time dreading what might happen because it detracts from the good time she could be spending with my Dad. (This is the type of thing that makes me think I will probably never be as mature as my mother.) She said, "I'm not going to live there. I refuse to." I more or less said, sincerely, that that's good for her. I also let her know I'd send her a postcard from the land of adequately-dreading-every-possible-worst-case-scenario because dreading what could happen is a place I've visited a lot. Like, I keep a toothbrush a there.
The same sort of thing happened last weekend when I was texting with my sister. She had returned back home to Oregon and I was in Seattle. I wanted to know if her car had gotten fixed because that day it filled with smoke while she was driving it. She said it was still in the shop, and that she was in Oregon and driving Dad's truck. And, he gave her gas money and said to drive it every day. In the 12-plus years I've had a license, I can count on one hand the number of times I've been allowed to drive my Dad's truck. Actually, that might be an exaggeration. I can't really remember ever driving it. We were both bummed to realize our Dad doesn't need his truck anymore. I hadn't thought about that until just then.
We found out later my sister's car was smoking because, according to the mechanic, there was probably a mouse nest in the vehicle that slipped down into the engine and caught on fire, then the smoke was blown inside the vehicle by her defrost system. Country living has its risks.
The same sort of thing happened last weekend when I was texting with my sister. She had returned back home to Oregon and I was in Seattle. I wanted to know if her car had gotten fixed because that day it filled with smoke while she was driving it. She said it was still in the shop, and that she was in Oregon and driving Dad's truck. And, he gave her gas money and said to drive it every day. In the 12-plus years I've had a license, I can count on one hand the number of times I've been allowed to drive my Dad's truck. Actually, that might be an exaggeration. I can't really remember ever driving it. We were both bummed to realize our Dad doesn't need his truck anymore. I hadn't thought about that until just then.
We found out later my sister's car was smoking because, according to the mechanic, there was probably a mouse nest in the vehicle that slipped down into the engine and caught on fire, then the smoke was blown inside the vehicle by her defrost system. Country living has its risks.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
I miss my old problems
Over the past year or so I've been taking comfort in the fact, sometimes, that things could be worse. 'Cause usually when it feels like it couldn't get any worse, it gets worse. I'll think, "At least I don't live in Haiti." That sort of stuff. And, it makes me feel better. I spend time watching the news and hearing about the Mom who murdered her kids - things I could never in the past stomach since things like that are way too upsetting and give me nightmares.
Lately, that stuff doesn't help me feel any better even though bad news the strangers on TV experience is less disturbing to me than it used to be. I've wanted to get out a loudspeaker and slap it on my car and drive around the neighborhood blaring the the ice-cream-truck-like-song I'll write about how what is going on right now is so far from okay that it makes me come unraveled sometimes. Or somtimes I just want to murder people, increasingly customer service phone people. My Dad has cancer. So does my Grandma. Totally sucks. I miss my old problems.
Lately, that stuff doesn't help me feel any better even though bad news the strangers on TV experience is less disturbing to me than it used to be. I've wanted to get out a loudspeaker and slap it on my car and drive around the neighborhood blaring the the ice-cream-truck-like-song I'll write about how what is going on right now is so far from okay that it makes me come unraveled sometimes. Or somtimes I just want to murder people, increasingly customer service phone people. My Dad has cancer. So does my Grandma. Totally sucks. I miss my old problems.
Challenger
I recently asked my Dad what I was like as a kid, and he said I was inquisitive. I suppose I can see that because I've been asking a lot of questions lately. I asked my Dad about my Grandpa after looking at some family photos since I don't know a lot about him.
My Grandpa had a stroke when I was a baby and that was a bit less than 30 years ago. I remember fairly little about him since he lived Missouri and we lived in Washington and most of our visits where when I was quite young. My memories consist of being a bit shy and uncertain, riding in a basket on Grandpa's motorized bike, and watching him playing backgammon with my Dad. (I guess he liked to bend the rules in backgammon.)
After his stroke, my Grandpa couldn't speak, but he could understand who you were and what you were saying. About four years after the stroke, my Grandma was at a friend's house for a visit - Dad said she was playing bridge - and the friend got a call from someone. Her friend realized eventually that it was my Grandpa Paul calling, and since they could tell from the sounds he was making that he was upset, my Grandma went home to check in on him. Grandpa showed her on TV that the Space Shuttle Challenger had broken apart, and that was why he had called.
After my Grandma helped my Grandpa calm down, she headed back to her friend's house. It wasn't until she was partway there that she realized that my Grandpa still knew how to use the phone. I'm glad I asked more about my Grandpa because I didn't know that story.
My Grandpa had a stroke when I was a baby and that was a bit less than 30 years ago. I remember fairly little about him since he lived Missouri and we lived in Washington and most of our visits where when I was quite young. My memories consist of being a bit shy and uncertain, riding in a basket on Grandpa's motorized bike, and watching him playing backgammon with my Dad. (I guess he liked to bend the rules in backgammon.)
After his stroke, my Grandpa couldn't speak, but he could understand who you were and what you were saying. About four years after the stroke, my Grandma was at a friend's house for a visit - Dad said she was playing bridge - and the friend got a call from someone. Her friend realized eventually that it was my Grandpa Paul calling, and since they could tell from the sounds he was making that he was upset, my Grandma went home to check in on him. Grandpa showed her on TV that the Space Shuttle Challenger had broken apart, and that was why he had called.
After my Grandma helped my Grandpa calm down, she headed back to her friend's house. It wasn't until she was partway there that she realized that my Grandpa still knew how to use the phone. I'm glad I asked more about my Grandpa because I didn't know that story.
Under your pillow
I've been looking through about half a dozen boxes of childhood memorabilia. I've found buttons, stuffed animals, and a whole lot of art projects and homework assignments. It's been fun. I came across a letter written to my sister when she was a kid and losing her baby teeth.
Dear Sarah,
I am very sorry that you felt forgotten last night. I had a very mixed up day but they don't happen very often so don't worry. When you lose the next tooth, I'll be ready!
Sincerely, Miss Tooth Fairy
P.S. Keep up the good work brushing.
This letter is so cute, I just had to share. My sister said the next time she lost a tooth the money was better. My mother is one of the most organized people on the planet, so you wouldn't think she'd have forgotten such a thing.
I have always had good capitalistic leanings and I pulled a few teeth out for my sister to increase the frequency of visits from the tooth fairy. I think she appreciated it?
Dear Sarah,
I am very sorry that you felt forgotten last night. I had a very mixed up day but they don't happen very often so don't worry. When you lose the next tooth, I'll be ready!
Sincerely, Miss Tooth Fairy
P.S. Keep up the good work brushing.
This letter is so cute, I just had to share. My sister said the next time she lost a tooth the money was better. My mother is one of the most organized people on the planet, so you wouldn't think she'd have forgotten such a thing.
I have always had good capitalistic leanings and I pulled a few teeth out for my sister to increase the frequency of visits from the tooth fairy. I think she appreciated it?
I can't wait to tell you this.
Inspiration comes from wherever it comes from and it was the guy in the sauna with the full workout gear on that did it for me. He was wearing clothes, socks, and shoes. And, he was listening to music on his I-phone loud enough for me to sing along. This made me have the thought, "I can't wait to tell everyone this." Since then, the thrill of seeing people with their I-phones in the sauna has worn off - it's more common than I knew - and I've already told enough people I saw used dental floss on the ground in the locker room (ew/what?/seriously?). But I have a blog so that I can report this type of thing from the front lines. So, let's move on to more pressing topics.
New Year's Resolution - Work out a Ton:
Work out a ton. I've been to the aforementioned gym more times in 2011 so far than all of 2010. This seems good, although it may just be an indicator that I took some time off last year. I am convinced exercise is the key to me staying this side of homicide. The first time I went to my new gym, I proudly brought my padlock that I used in college to keep my (French) Horn secure in my band locker. I did a few practice runs with the padlock to make sure I remembered the combination, and headed down to the gym at about 10 pm. I surprised myself by forgetting combination in about an hour, and did have some concern that I locked myself out of both my car and house, but it all worked out fine and it was fun to see the fitness staffer guy cut the lock off. He had big biceps, and it made me feel good that he could use them to to accomplish something bicep-related. Sometimes I feel bad for the very muscular men I see at my gym because they probably don't have that many opportunities on a day-to-day basis to show off what they can do. To me that means they put in a lot of hard work and, sure, they look good (if that's your thing), but it may end there. Though now that I think about it, they probably are the ones who help people like me lift their luggage in to the overhead compartment on airplanes. But how often do you fly or need to assist someone in opening a jar? Forgetting my combo also gave me an opportunity to be very nice to the staff member that helped me cut the lock, and be nicer to people is a resolution, but the original goal in being nice wasn't personal gain so that doesn't count. Grade: A-.
Do people get bored when posts are this long? Since I'm not sure, I should stop soon. But, I like having a blog so far. I've got a lot on my mind lately - big and really big and un-bloody believable and little and funny and not funny and very sad stuff. Welcome aboard.
Pressing topic: How is Laura doing on her New Year's Resolutions? I am already loving blogging.
New Year's Resolution - Work out a Ton:
Work out a ton. I've been to the aforementioned gym more times in 2011 so far than all of 2010. This seems good, although it may just be an indicator that I took some time off last year. I am convinced exercise is the key to me staying this side of homicide. The first time I went to my new gym, I proudly brought my padlock that I used in college to keep my (French) Horn secure in my band locker. I did a few practice runs with the padlock to make sure I remembered the combination, and headed down to the gym at about 10 pm. I surprised myself by forgetting combination in about an hour, and did have some concern that I locked myself out of both my car and house, but it all worked out fine and it was fun to see the fitness staffer guy cut the lock off. He had big biceps, and it made me feel good that he could use them to to accomplish something bicep-related. Sometimes I feel bad for the very muscular men I see at my gym because they probably don't have that many opportunities on a day-to-day basis to show off what they can do. To me that means they put in a lot of hard work and, sure, they look good (if that's your thing), but it may end there. Though now that I think about it, they probably are the ones who help people like me lift their luggage in to the overhead compartment on airplanes. But how often do you fly or need to assist someone in opening a jar? Forgetting my combo also gave me an opportunity to be very nice to the staff member that helped me cut the lock, and be nicer to people is a resolution, but the original goal in being nice wasn't personal gain so that doesn't count. Grade: A-.
Do people get bored when posts are this long? Since I'm not sure, I should stop soon. But, I like having a blog so far. I've got a lot on my mind lately - big and really big and un-bloody believable and little and funny and not funny and very sad stuff. Welcome aboard.
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